The Jemima Vile Show (Easter)

Director: Tracy
Jemima Vile: Anna
Malachi (Chief Soldier in charge): David
Sirus (Guard): Andy
Obdaya (Gardener): Bethany
Prof. Pharisee (Script Author): John
Thomas (Disciple): Darren
Security: Wayne / Luke
Tissue Lady: Gillian
Applause Girls: Becca / Crystal
Technical Supervisor: Phill
Sound/Stage Manager Paul

(Build up with Power Point, Music and Announcement of Show Host, J.V. walking in followed by Security, greeting “Audience”)

J.V. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to today’s Show on the topic: “RESURRECTION – WHO
IS LYING?!” I am not quite sure what to make of today’s guests or whom to
believe. There are many unanswered questions to this and nothing seems to be quite
what it seems. I think we will just start straight away with our first guest, who
is the Chief Soldier in charge of the Roman Guards in Jerusalem. Ladies and
Gentlemen, please welcome Malachi.

A.G. Hold up Applause boards / Audience applaud

J.V. Hi Malachi, thank you very much for coming to this Show today.

M: Well, I have to say, I would never normally lower myself to watch rubbish daytime
TV shows but I can’t cope with all these silly stories that are going around about
what happened on Easter morning. I had to come to set people straight and, of
course, to sort Sirus out. This Soldier – what was he thinking??? Oh, trust me;
I’m going to give him a good talking to!

J.V. OK, I’m a bit lost here… who is Sirus and why are you so angry with him? And… what
does he have to do with this whole story?

M: Sirus is one of my Soldiers. He was in charge of the group that was guarding the
tomb that night. We knew those disciples were up to no good. We knew something was
going to happen that night and we made it very clear that we couldn’t afford to
make any mistakes. And he? He fell asleep! ASLEEP! The lazy idiot!! Made way so
the disciples could walk right into the grave, steal the Body and invent this
story of a resurrected saviour! Of course people nowadays believe anything, what
with all these American TV Shows and such. Achhhhhhhh, if I put my hands on Sirus,
I will.. I will…

J.V. Well, I hope you won’t do anything bad because I am going to call Sirus in a
minute. (Turns to Audience)As in any argument, I find it vitally important, ladies
and gentlemen, that you hear both sides of the story. Please welcome Sirus!

A.G. Applause Board / Audience applaud (maybe 1 person going booo, lazy!!!)

S: (walks in very angrily, stands very close to M and yells). I wasn’t asleep! Nor
was any of the men working with me that night! Although, considering how
overworked and underpaid we are it wouldn’t be surprising! Trust me Malachi, when
this is all over the Roman Guard Association will organise a strike!

M: (Sarcasticaly, now gets up too) Please tell me you are not going to cry?

T.L: Runs up with Tissue Box, Sirus pushes her away, clearly indicating that he isn’t
close to tears but extremely angry.

S: You will not get away with telling all these lies anymore. All those years I have
been working for you, have I ever… (Starts poking M, Bouncer pulls him back)

M: Sympathy, that’s all you’re after! Be a man, for goodness sake!( looks as if he is
about to attack Sirus. Bouncer pushes him back)

S: Have I ever let you down? My wife wants a divorce because I’m too lazy to work, so
she says (now cries) The neighbours are talking behind my back… I…Jemima, I wasn’t
sleeping. I WASN’T!

M: (Angrily) Sure, you would say that, wouldn’t you? Don’t you understand that
because of you these Christians now have a story? There is uproar in the city.

J.V. Wow, I wasn’t expecting THIS! Very intriguing… Was it Sirus’ fault? Is Malachi
overreacting? Well, the only way to find out would be by asking somebody who saw
everything that had happened that night. Unfortunately we couldn’t trace anyone
who was at the location at the time…

O. (Sitting in Audience) Wait! I was there!!!

J.V. And who are you?

O. My name is Obdaya. I am a tomb – gardener. I was working there first thing in the
morning!!!

J.V. Wow, oh, OK… err… well, I mean, if you were there then please come up here and
help us solve this mistery!

A.G. Hold up borads

O. (Comes to front) Hi Jemima (Giggeling, very nervous, takes J.V’s hand and won’t
let go)

J. V. Hi Obdaya – pleasure to meet you (pulls hand away)

O. (Still giggeling) Can I say hi to my mum please?

J.V. Sure, feel free…

O. Which camera?

J.V. Over there – with the green light.

O. Hi Mum, I’m on telly!! (Waves in direction indicated)

J.V. (Waves too, obviously far less excited about it all) Now, we have heard about what
Malachi thinks happened on that morning, and we know that these Christians claim
that the body wasn’t stolen but that this Jesus actually woke up from the dead and
walked away. It is very hard to believe but we haven’t found anything to prove
them wrong. You claim you were working near the Tomb that morning – did you see
anything that could help me clear this argument up?

O. Well, I didn’t see the stone actually being moved. When I got there it had already
been moved away. I wasn’t supposed to be in that area of the gardens. I had been
assigned to clear up the trees towards the back. I had just been chatting to a
friend and on my way back I saw that the stone had been moved. I tried to go
closer but I was worried I’d get caught so I hid in a bush.

J.V. And did you see anything from there? The disciples maybe?

O. No. I saw Mary Magdalene coming out of the tomb – she seemed so upset. She could
hardly breathe and was calling for a Guard. Then this man stepped out of the
shadows – I hadn’t noticed him before. She ran towards him and told him that the
grave was empty. She asked him if he had seen anything or if he knew where the
body was taken. He didn’t really answer her, but they must have met before because
he put his hand on her shoulder and said: Mary!

J.V. And what did she say?

O. Well – she looked really puzzled and the she said something. Wait, let me think,
it might have been “Rabboni!” Yeah, definitely, she cried out Rabboni. She seemed
so happy to have seen the man and they walked off together. That’s all, and then I
went back to work.

J.V. (Excited about what had been said) Very interesting!!! Hum, didn’t the disciples
call Jesus “Teacher”? You have been very helpful Obdaya, thanks for coming to the
Show today. (Again, Obdaya won’t let go of J.V’s hand, a short struggle)

I really want to get to the bottom of this, Ladies and Gentlemen. In preparation for the show I have spoken to Professor Pharisee, who is the author of a manuscript entitled “Just who rolled away the Stone?” The Professor couldn’t make it today but we filmed the interview earlier.

(walks to where Professor is)

Professor, what are your thoughts on this Easter Story?

P.P. Well, initially, as you can gather from the title, I set out in my manuscript to
refute the Resurrection of Jesus. I believed this story about him rising from the
dead could be no more than a myth.
However the more I searched, the more evidence I found for the Resurrection that
just could not be denied. And whether I liked it or not this evidence led me to
do some very serious thinking.

J.K. This evidence - tell us more.

P.P There are many areas that I researched. And yes I can briefly share a few with you
The theory that disciples stole the body of Jesus – Now this is a silly argument.
The depression, cowardice and bewilderment of them at this time needs to be looked
at. Can we imagine that in their dejected state they suddenly became so brave and
daring that they faced the soldiers at the tomb and stole the body? No absolutely
not.
And then there’s the grave clothes - Witnesses stated that the grave clothes had
not even been unwrapped, they were still in one piece as if someone had just walked
out of them. This does indeed point to a resurrection.

J.K. What about the stone professor?

P.P. Ah yes, the stone - This was very large. Approximately weighing 2 tons. It was
placed, by a serious of levers against the entrance to the tomb. They could not
have secretly moved this. Impossible

J.V. And what do you think of Malachi, who claims to be certain
that his Guard fell asleep?

P.P A Roman guard of very strictly disciplined men was stationed to watch the tomb.
Fear of punishment alone would have produced flawless attention to duty,
especially among the night watches. They could be put to death for not doing
their job properly. No, they would not have fallen asleep.
There is so much more I could tell you. But ultimately the evidence that I found
for the Resurrection was so overwhelming that it left me absolutely no room for
doubt. It led me to conclude that Christ did indeed rise from the dead and what
is more I am now proud to be counted among his followers.

J.V. Thank you Professor. It seems that you have gone through quite a process there and
that you have considered a lot of evidence.
(walks back to “Studio”)
Now, we would loved to have invited all the disciples but unfortunately they were not available for comment.

M. Ha! That sounds about right! Making up stories but then not even having the guts to show their faces because they know that I would prove them
to be liars.

J.V. (Angry)Malachi, I really have to ask you to show some respect. This is still
called the JEREMY VILE show. If you can’t wait until it’s your turn to speak you
should start you own show – that’s how I got where I am today. I was saying the
disciples were not available for comment earlier on but just before the show began I received a message from Thomas saying that he was on his way. Ladies and
Gentlemen, please welcome Thomas.

A.G. Applause boards, audience applauds

T. Thank you (smiles in a downhearted sort of way)

J.V. Thomas, as one of the disciples it seems to me pretty obvious that you’d defend the Resurrection theory – would there be any evidence to support your views?

T. I’m sorry but you’re wrong there. I do believe that Jesus had a mission. I have
seen him cure the sick, even raise the dead - saw so many miracles. Yes, it’s
true, I was one of his followers, he was my friend – I was even ready to die with
him, and yes, I called him Lord. But I thought he was going to change everything,
everything. (pause) (speaks more quietly) But I saw them kill him - and now he is
gone. I just don’t understand.

And rising from the dead? For me to believe that I’d want more than a few fanciful visions. Maybe, if I could just touch him, perhaps lay my hands on his wounds. If I could just feel where they smashed those nails home - well, who knows?.
But then, what are the chances?

No - there is no chance of that.
(looks at Jemima) They all have it wrong (big pause) – (shakes head) - I just don’t believe it.
(pause again)


(looks into audience) Do you?

FREEZE!