Rules

I've learnt to follow the rules early;
I followed the rules of not coming home late, not even a minute
and the rule of finishing my meal.
I followed the rule of reading your expressions
and making sure to not be in your way
I followed the rules because not following them came at a price - 
a bloody nose, a bruised back, hair yanked out.

I followed the rules at school;
I followed the rule of not speaking up, not even when I knew,
and the rule of letting you copy.
I followed the rule of laughing at myself
alongside everyone else.
I followed the rules because not following them came at a price -
being called fat, being left out, sitting alone.

I followed the rules when you died;
I followed the rule of not being dramatic, not dropping my grades,
and the rule of keeping us all in line in public. 
I followed the rule of papering over the cracks,
and not asking for help.
I followed the rules because not following them came at a price - 
being the gossip, being to blame, being the cursed.

I followed the rules when she moved in;
I followed the rule of not using the toilet, especially at night,
and the rule of sleeping standing up.
I followed the rule of going without food,
and keeping my mouth shut. 
I followed these rules because not following them came at a price - 
being locked out, being cold, having to eat sick.

(Not poetic sick - the bitter, still warm, bitty stomach juices your body produces when having to eat cold pasta three times a day, whilst being tired, whilst standing up, whilst hearing your siblings cry.  If only I'd followed the rules better.) 

I followed the rules when questions were raised;
I followed the rule of being polite, and pretending I believed people really didn't know,
and the rule of not embarrassing those with blind eyes.
I followed the rule of pretending I liked sitting in the cold,
and of assuring neighbours that nothing was amiss.
I followed these rules because not following them came at a price - 
I never asked what the price would be, I was assured it would be bad. 

I followed the rules when I left;
I followed the rule of not complaining about pain, drag myself of the floor instead,
and the rule of being a good girl for the boys. (I mean, I'm fat - I should be grateful!)
I followed the rule of taking the drugs and treatments without question,
and of accepting that the door should be locked.
I followed these rules because not following them came at a price - 
more beatings, less food... you'd already shaved off my hair, so there was nothing left to yank.

I followed the rules when hearts reached out;
I followed the rule of saying it was OK, that I really had a tumour / AIDS/ Lupus...
and the rule of wearing my face mask so people wouldn't approach.
I followed the rule of praising you for your kindness in public,
and never mentioning being tied to the bed every day.
I followed these rules because not following them came at a price - 
weekly showers cancelled, bedpan removed, and definitely no change of clothes.

I followed the rules when they came to get us out;
I followed the rule of smiling and thanking and fitting around everyone else,
and the rule of pretending that I believed that no-one ever knew.
I followed the rule of absolving everyone of any guilt, 
don't worry, there was nothing anyone could have done.
I followed these rules because not following them came at a price - 
well, you never told us, you ungrateful child, we would have helped if you'd helped yourself!

I followed the rules when we returned;
The rule of accepting that I was the one too much and having to go,
and the rule of not mentioning the past.
I followed the rule of not asking too much,
and not questioning the people who got paid for keeping children safe.
I followed these rules because...
well, because I was tired, and I was still scared of sitting alone.

I followed the rules of social norms,
I followed the rule of not questioning other people's rights, not demanding my own,
and the rule of not rocking the boat.
I followed the rule of not taking up space,
standing hunched over, hiding, being small.
I followed the rules because I didn't even notice they were rules,
just a way of not sitting alone.

I've been following the rules into adulthood,
I've followed the rule of putting others first, loving others more,
and ever apologising for being in the way.
I've followed the rule of giving more than I had without expecting change,
until I had nothing left to give. 
When I couldn't follow the rules, I suddenly realised,
I had been sitting alone all along. 

I guess it's time for new rules.